Life man, gets us down some, leaves us on emotional highs,lows…. and the rest.
It gets crazy,busy,etcetcetcetc. What an eventful blog.
I think back the past week usually and I realise that every single day at some point or at multiple points in one day I make references to my dad and think about him. Its so nice to not forget about him, because if I just had one more minute, I’d tell him how much I love him and that I’ll never forget him,give him a huge hug and ask him to look after me wherever he is. Because its so odd, to be here, when he’s not. I just remember going to the hospital and seeing him hooked up to all those machines, the oxygen,the sedative monitor, the heart monitor , EVERYTHING. There was so much of it, and I touched his hand and he was so nice and warm, he was sleeping, I hope he heard me and my mum talking to him. There’s so many good times we shared and I love to look back at those, but at the end of it, I still get those images of him in hospital on his own, without me to say “Daddy I love you”. And when he left, without me being there, no one called me to tell me anything, I didn’t even get one last proper goodbye. I would have said “I love you” and kissed cheek and that would have left me with something. I was so convinced that he was going to pull through and we’d go back to fun times of playing HIM on the car stereo because he liked them and messing around, throwing cushions at each other in the front room. Sitting on his knee, falling asleep on his lap all seems like a distant memory but it was only last year, and its gone so fast.
Even just being in his presence I’d feel at ease. I couldn’t sleep without saying “Love you daddy” and he’d say ” love you gabs”. And him not calling is even more strange, I expect in the middle of dinner for the phone to ring and me to pick it up and him say ” Hi darl. I just don’t feel that his death was inevitable, he got involved with the wrong person at the wrong time. Got married too quickly and that celebration of the marriage, I think that’s what did it. It interfered with his re-cooperation.
If only I could have the good days back.
If only…
